“If you don’t eat well, I won’t let you watch TV tonight.” In daily parenting, we often teach children in the form of threats, hoping that they will be obedient. But is this method effective? Will it backfire?
One time when I was taking a minibus, I saw a grandmother with two grandchildren getting on the minibus. As soon as they got on the bus, the two grandchildren immediately sat in the back seat, while the grandmother chose to sit in a single seat near the door. As soon as she sat down, she turned around and said to the two grandchildren, “I’m telling you to sit back next to me right now, or else I’ll leave you two here when we get off the bus.” As a result, one of the grandchildren shouted loudly from the back. What was he shouting? “You always say that; I don’t believe you.” This incident demonstrates that many parents are used to threatening their children during their childhood.
What are some examples of this? “If you don’t eat, I’ll turn off the TV,” or “If you don’t finish your homework quickly, there won’t be any ice cream for you tonight,” etc. In fact, these methods of parenting often make children treat things as unimportant. If parents frequently use these types of threats, their children will grow up and no longer take them seriously. Therefore, parents must remember that when we ask children to do something, it is best to directly tell them what we want them to do without adding too many elements of threats or coercion.
Source: Unleashing Mind, Psychotherapist, Dr. Lee Wai Tong
Next semester, K3 children will start to prepare for elementary school. Apart from getting to know the new school, preparing stationery, and learning to wear school uniforms, what else can parents do to help their children transition smoothly and make a good transition to elementary school? It is often the case that children will feel anxious when they encounter many unknown things. To deal with the anxiety of children, it is best to prepare for the situation in advance.
What’s for preparation? Open the schedule before school and remind the children, “Look, there will be a recess after these two classes, and then another recess after these two classes.” They will know in their minds when there will be a short break, then lunchtime, and then the school will be over after a while.
In terms of teachers, they don’t know who the teacher is, so we can say, “This teacher should be a male teacher, and this one is a female teacher.” This is the advance preparation so that the children know more about the things that have not happened and are better prepared. In particular, many elementary schools will hold orientation activities. Parents should not think that they don’t need to participate now because they are busy and their children will only return to school in September. If you can participate, you should do so, as it actually helps children know more and be well prepared for the unknown.
With all the preparations we have just made, what are the other minor things that we need to pay attention to? We say that children are anxious when they enter first grade because they are unprepared for something that has not happened yet, and then they feel worried. When they have a good grasp of what they need to do in each class, their anxiety will be much less.
Some issues are beyond the control of the parents, namely, his classmates. Children face some situations, such as when classmates next to them make a lot of acts like going to the child’s place to take a look at his things suddenly. These are not good times for children, but there is no way to prevent them, so they need to be nurtured, especially if they have just entered the first grade. Talk to them more after school and ask them if they have encountered any unpleasant things so that they can express themselves. They will find that even if they are worried, they can talk to their parents after school, and they will be comforted by their parents, and their anxiety will be reduced a bit. Then, the next day, when the unhappiness is over, they will be happy to go back to school again.
Every parent wants to ask their children more when they come home from school and know more about the school picture. Parents should learn more questioning skills so that children can say more and the picture is more complete. Some children are more extroverted and talk more, so it is easier for parents to understand; some children are more introverted. A major characteristic of an introverted child is that he or she has not yet grasped the situation internally and therefore does not know how to express it.
When dealing with introverted children, you can make it simple by drawing a poster with many different emotions and asking them what they are feeling today. When they see the pictures, they will think about them, and sometimes they will point to “angry,” sometimes to “sad,” and sometimes to “happy.” This way, they can be asked what they are happy, angry, or sad about. They will then have room to express these emotional things.
Many parents often ask, “Why is the child so disobedient?” “Why does he hate me so much?” or “He is ignoring me more and more.” In fact, there are four types of behaviors that, over time, will cause our children to despise themselves. Many of the parents that I have met in my day-to-day life often unconsciously say or do things that make their children hate themselves. This is what parents do not notice.
First, comparison. We frequently ask children, “Why are you like this?” “Your younger brother is not like you; he is very neat,” and “look at the students next to me; they listen to their parents. “When we often express ourselves in a “comparison” manner, children will feel disgusted when they hear their mother’s voice.
Secondly, when children do something wrong, parents often overlook the motives behind their behavior. When we find out that a child is doing something wrong, we should first understand what the child is trying to accomplish with the behavior. Do not rule out that they are trying to do something right. Maybe he wants to pour a glass of water for his parents or his brother, or he is not doing his homework well, but in fact, he is doing his best and is just mentally tired.
When he is not doing well, we can first praise his behavior by saying, “Thanks; I know you are nice and want to pour water for us, but don’t spill water again.” “It’s dangerous,” or “Don’t walk so fast.” After we praise the child, he will understand that he is doing the right thing, and then he will listen to his parent’s advice and improve.
Third, parents should pay attention to the end of the day if, in fact, they are full of negative energy and bring emotions into the home. When parents see that their children are not behaving in a satisfactory manner, they may take out their emotions on them in a series of ways. This is not fair to the child, who may have made only a few mistakes but is being blamed for a series of them.
Fourth, parents should be very careful that expressions of anger will misinform their children with inaccurate information. For example, “If you do this, you might not be my son.” When we mistakenly use such an aggressive word, it can be very harmful to the child.
Parents should never commit these four behaviors while children are growing up, or they will hate their parents from an early age.
When children go to school, they have to eat on their own. It is not an easy challenge to teach children to eat well, as they have to eat attentively and refrain from playing with food. In fact, parents only need three steps to teach their children to eat on their own.
First, parents need to teach their children to eat on their own. Parents are frequently anxious for their children to finish their meals quickly, fearing that they will not eat and will have to be fed by their parents. In fact, starting at 6 months of age, children should get used to using their own hands to put food in their mouths, with parents only assisting them.
Parents should let their children pick up the utensils and eat by themselves so that they do not just get fed but also get a sense of participation and motivation to eat.
Second, help children with hand-eye coordination. Sometimes children may not be able to hold the utensils properly because of their own hand-eye coordination issues and may be angry and not eat. Parents can use words to remind children how to move the utensils backwards and forwards, or they can train children’s coordination skills on a daily basis so that they can cope with the challenges of eating on their own and reduce the difficulties they encounter.
If parents provide encouragement at this time and praise their children when they do, they will continue to be courageous and overcome the frustration of learning to eat. Parents should also remember that when children are eating on their own, don’t clean up after them, as this will prevent them from trying to eat on their own.
In addition, parents often misunderstand that their children do not eat. In fact, children just don’t like certain dishes, and if parents force them to eat, it forms a vicious cycle.
Written By: Founder of Kat-Spirit Nutrition Centre
Senior Dietitian Ng Yiu Fun
Many parents will bring their children to see me and say, “Is my son too thin? or “His bones are very obvious” or “Look, his ribs are visible, and his arms are still very small! In fact, many parents feel that their children are thin, but in fact, are these cases really thin?
In fact, whether it is thin or not, we have to look at the growth chart. If the child is below the growth line, he or she is considered thin. If the child is thin, there is no need to worry too much about health problems. Some parents may say, “No! His classmate next door eats a whole bowl of rice at every meal and eats a lot of meat, but compared to my son, who only eats a few bites of rice at every meal, he really eats too little! I have to find a way to catch up with the next classmate’s meal, so that he can have enough nutrition!
Many parents have a comparative mentality, and I believe that everyone’s needs are actually different. Some children may be really taller, but some children may be genetically influenced, relatively shorter and smaller-boned, so their needs are certainly not the same and their parents don’t need to worry too much.
I believe one thing we can do is to keep a happy mood when we eat at home, not to see if he eats every bite of rice, whether he “contains rice” or eats the whole bowl of rice, because constantly forcing him will only add pressure to the child when he eats. If we want him to eat a little more when he eats, it is actually very simple, just prepare a smaller portion of rice in the bowl, let him finish it, and then let him add more rice, so that he has a sense of success, but also help him increase his appetite.
In addition, the meal should not be too monotonous. Some parents say they have cooked their children’s favorite foods to suit their tastes in the hope that they will eat more, but unfortunately the results are not very good. Even if it’s a favorite food, it’s boring and tiresome, so they don’t eat it, which has the opposite effect. Therefore, parents should think of more colorful or different tasting dishes to make their children feel new and interesting, so that they will not feel bored and eat less.
Written by: Family Dynamics Counseling Psychologist
Shelly Mok
Fai is a boy who is very good at drawing. He likes to draw his own comic characters, but all his characters do not have eyes, ears, mouth and nose. All of his characters, male or female, with long or short hair, have thick hair covering their ears and foreheads. These characters are like a mirror, reflecting his inner world. He does not want to communicate with others in depth, but just wants to do what he likes quietly.
When I first invited him to introduce his comic book protagonists, he said that his characters do not have mouths because no matter what they say, no one will listen to them, so they do not speak; they do not have eyes because they do not want to see what is happening in the world; they do not have ears because no one will listen to what he says. Even the sound of the crowd annoys him, so he prefers to be alone. Other than these few words, he did not respond to any other questions I had.
It was heartbreaking to listen to this P5 boy and look at his big eyes. At such a young age, he already had to close his heart and give up the opportunity to build positive relationships with others. When Fai was in Primary 4, he was determined to have dyslexia. His parents brought him to see me not for any training, but to deal with the tension and low self-image that had accumulated between him and his parents for quite some time. From the first grade, he faced many academic challenges, such as often failing in dictation, not finishing his homework until 11:00 p.m. every night, not listening to his parents’ instructions, and not finishing his exam papers. The family and he had a lot of friction and conflict over the grade. He was labeled as lazy, irresponsible and inattentive. Even though his parents later learned that he had dyslexia, it was hard for them to let go of their expectations of him, especially his mother.
In fact, Fai is not lazy. When I observed the way he played the game and did the beauty work in the game room, I knew that he is a person who has great demands on himself. In the face of failure, he would try again and again until he was satisfied. For a child who has been frustrated in his studies, even in a non-academic field, it takes extraordinary inner resources to persist in trying without fear of difficulties and learning from his own failures. As a bystander, I can clearly see his strengths, and I am inspired by his inner strength. However, the parents’ feelings about Fai’s situation were very complicated. They were so stressed out by their constant worries, sadness, expectations, and disappointments that it was hard for them to see and hear Fai’s efforts and heartfelt voices, so it is no wonder that the protagonists of Fai’s comics live in a world without eyes, ears, mouth, and nose. However, the guilt and helplessness of Fai’s parents also prompted them to ask me for help. As parents, they really need time and space to face their own pain and accept that their children are different from others. Not to mention, they only have one child, Fai.
In the process of working with Fai, I also made several appointments with his parents to help them understand more about the challenges and inner world that Fai was facing, and to help them transition and accept his complex emotions. Later, Fai’s mother told me that Fai was actually very hardworking and struggled with his homework for so long every night because he did not want to give up and insisted on finishing all his homework. Even though his parents told him to forget about it, he insisted on not going to sleep. Therefore, I also said that they were really lucky that Fai did not give up in the face of huge learning difficulties. His mother was stunned after hearing this – it seems that they are starting to see and hear Ah Fai. Parenting can be the most challenging and unpredictable experience in the world, but it can also be the most satisfying and meaningful thing in life. Parents of children with special needs are faced with extraordinary stress and emotional complexity. These emotions are like a thick fog that prevents parents from seeing and hearing the inner world of their children. At the same time, they cannot see or hear their own inner world, thus isolating the communication between parents and children. As a counseling psychologist, an important part of my job is to help parents clear the clouds so that they can see the moon.
Every parent wants their child to develop well and quickly, not to lag behind, if not to be better than others. In medicine, there is a condition between “disease” and “physiology” that both parents and children find very disturbing. This is “nocturnal enuresis in children”.
Nocturnal enuresis is a stage of physiological development, but it is a problem if a child is still unable to control his or her urination and wets the bed after the age of 5. Nocturnal enuresis in children can be divided into two types: primary and secondary. The former is a pathological cause, such as spina bifida, or developmental delay. In the case of secondary causes, the child has control over the urine, but then for some reason, it gets out of control. The most common cause is an unexplained delay in development.
Medication, Physical Therapy, and Life
In Chinese medicine, the production of urine is related to several internal organs. The causes are kidney qi deficiency, spleen-lung qi deficiency, and liver stagnation and heat. In clinical practice, the main cause is kidney qi deficiency. Unlike adult enuresis or secondary enuresis in children, the condition will generally improve with several months of treatment. However, the treatment must be combined with medication, physical therapy, and life support.
Chinese herbal medicine treatment: the main ingredients are mulberry cuttlebone, puzzle nut, whole cherry, Schisandra, yam, and mulberry.
Physical therapy: Acupuncture and massage, mainly for the bladder and kidney meridians in the back
Strict abstinence from food: Avoid cold and raw foods and beverages to avoid further damage to kidney energy
Food therapy: Use peaches, tzatziki, Chinese yam, etc. as a meal or dessert
Hot compress before bedtime: Apply hot compresses to the kidney points on the back of the bladder meridian every night before bedtime. For a more pronounced effect, use cumin, white pepper, or peppercorns and then wrap them in a cloth bag.
It turns out that nocturnal enuresis is not a rare occurrence and most children recover completely. Therefore, the most important thing is how to let the child pass through this stage smoothly. If parents don’t handle it properly, it may affect their self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to see a doctor for a formal examination of the situation so that you can really help your child.
Written by: Director of Program Development, Carmen Leung
There is a wide range of teaching animations or online children’s programs for parents to choose from, but many parents ask: “Are these animations and applications good or bad for children’s learning? There are some points to note when using multimedia electronic products for children’s learning, including the age of children and remembering not to rely solely on electronic learning modes. Now let me go on to explain the other points that should be noted.
How to choose the right multimedia electronic learning product?
● It is best if the product does not have non-learning components that children can download or open on their own. For example, if a child is learning on an iPhone or iPad, parents should never let the child open other programs to ensure that the child is learning and not having fun. ● Learning products with segments or sections can be used. Many parents say that their children have a tendency to react badly when they are asked to stop using electronic products. Therefore, I suggest that products should have an interactive element and require children to respond in different ways. ● Products should have an interactive element and require children to respond in different ways. A multimedia product is not a good product if it only provides a one-way teaching model. For example, a product that only allows children to sit and listen to information, or to watch and not respond to it, is called “one-way learning” and should be avoided. Products that allow children to sing together, do actions together, string words together, and read aloud and answer questions are the products to choose. For example, there are some products that allow children to respond, but the answers are of the same nature every time, for example, they have to press a button to answer each time, so children’s responses will be slower and they will become “robotic” learners, which will affect their motivation to learn and their ability to think from multiple perspectives in the future.
Time to use electronic devices
Children should not use electronic devices for too long period of time for learning, and parents should set a daily or weekly time limit for their children to use electronic devices. For example, children can only use the computer for a maximum of half an hour after homework each day. If the half hour is up, the child must keep the promise and stop using the product. Parents can also work with their children to set a daily schedule, allocating time for homework, fun, hobby classes and electronic devices, so that children understand that everything needs to be planned and restrained. This not only can train children’s self-management skills (Self Management), but also can effectively limit the use of electronic products time.
Reward the use of electronic devices
If a child enjoys learning with electronics (and often does), parents can consider rewarding them with the use of the product, for example, by promising them 30 minutes of electronics each time they finish a meal within half an hour, or each time they finish a lesson with quality.
During the epidemic, many parents are stocking up on medication at home, fearing that their family members or children will be infected and unable to go out to buy medication. However, if the medication is not stored properly, it is possible for children to be poisoned by taking the medication by mistake. A parent asked me, ” I have a friend’s child once took the medicine by himself and it caused poisoning, it’s terrible! What should parents do if their children are unfortunately poisoned by drugs? “
In fact, the most common route of poisoning for children is through the mouth, but some are through the respiratory tract, skin or injection. If a child has food poisoning or drug poisoning, it depends on what kind of food or drug was consumed. If it is something that burns (such as vinegar or alkaline food), the child’s reaction will be an immediate sore throat and ulcers, and he will feel very uncomfortable. However, if the wrong medication is taken in general, the child may not have an immediate reaction, but when the medication enters the stomach and starts to be absorbed, the body will start to react.
The reaction of children depends on the type of medication. For example, if he is taking a nasal medication, his reaction will usually be sleepy and drowsy; if it is a tracheal medication, his heartbeat will become faster. Some medications can cause stomach discomfort, belly pain, diarrhea, and even vomiting. If parents see something like this, they can hold the child’s head down and pat him on the back, hoping to cough up or vomit before the child swallows it completely.
If the medication has already entered the stomach, parents may not be able to help the child! Parents should not reach for their child’s throat, as this can easily choke the medication into the airway. The right thing to do is to seek medical help as soon as possible. Parents should also remember to bring along what you suspect your child may have taken wrong before going to the doctor, so that the doctor can prescribe the right medication.
Here are some ways to prevent your child from taking medication incorrectly.
1. Store medications properly and keep them out of reach of children.
2. Have a safety cap on the medication (i.e., it needs to be pressed or twisted open)
3. If there are older children, parents should teach them about the dangers of medications, such as not taking them recklessly or even feeding them to others.
Written by: Hong Kong Speech and Swallowing Therapy Centre Senior Speech Therapist Eunice Siu
In our daily interactions with others, we not only observe others’ behaviors, but also “explain” and “predict” others’ behaviors. Theory of mind is the ability to infer or substitute other people’s mental states, such as their thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions, etc., and to use this ability to explain other people’s thoughts, perceptions, and predict their behaviors. Theory of mind can be subdivided into “emotion recognition”, “beliefs” and “pretend play”.
The developmental period for children’s theory of mind is from approximately 3 to 7 years of age. However, before the age of 3, children need to master the following skills to effectively develop theory of mind skills.
1. noticing and imitating the behavior of people around them 2. recognizing the emotions of others and using words to express them (e.g., happy, sad, angry, surprised) 3. participates in pretend play 4. understands that different people have different desires and preferences 5. understands that people will act to get what they want (e.g. reach for candy) 6. understands the causes and consequences of unsympathetic emotions (e.g. if I hit my brother, my mom will be mad and then she will scold me)
Ways to improve theory of mind are:
1. Use more psychologically relevant words when talking to your child
Using psychologically related words to communicate with children can help children understand their own and others’ psychological conditions more specifically. Examples of psychologically related words are “think,” “pretend,” “know,” “believe,” “feel,” and words related to emotions. Pay attention to what your child is trying to say and then respond. For example, “Ah! You want cake”, “Don’t be afraid! You think I’m gone, but I’m still here,” and “Mommy’s mad at you for hitting your brother. Parents can also explain to their children the psychological situation of others, e.g., “Mei-mei is smiling so much when she receives a birthday present, she should be very excited.
2. Participate in role-playing games with your child
Role-playing games encourage children to put themselves in different situations and characters’ perspectives to draw inferences about their behavior. To begin, children can pretend to be common everyday characters, such as mothers, doctors, teachers, and drivers. Parents should pay attention to the fact that both the words and behaviors in the game should be substituted for the role played. This activity helps children experience a variety of emotions, thoughts and interactions in different social situations, and learn to observe, imitate, anticipate, review and adjust their thoughts and behaviors.
I hope parents can make good use of the opportunity to share and communicate more with their children in daily life, so that they can learn to “look at people’s eyebrows and eyes” (meaning read people’s faces) and become a “mind-reading detective”!
Source： Hollin, P., Baron-Cohen, S.,& Hadwin,J.(1999). Teaching children with autism tomind-read. West Sussex, England: Wiely Press
Lowry, L.(2015).” Tuning in” to others: How young children develop theory of mind. The Hanen Centre.
Spastics Association of Hong Kong (2005). Connecting: Developing social skills in children with autism. Spastics Association of Hong Kong.
